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A Deeper Kind of Healing: How Getting Under the Surface Helps us Break Down our Walls

Written by Child & Family Therapist Holly Gilbert, MA, LPC

This Spring, I performed the dreaded task of weeding my garden. With my gloves on, I dug into the dirt, determined to pull the entire root up from the ground. There were several times that I was unsuccessful and would only grab the stem. I noticed that after some time, the weeds that were not fully uprooted grew back. This got me thinking about superficial care—when we only treat the surface layer of issues and expect long term results: when we confuse convenience with a cure.

I realized that in most areas of our life we are encouraged to address underlying issues; however, when it comes to mental health, we simply focus on symptoms. Why is this? If we knew we had a termite problem, we wouldn’t solely patch the holes. And we certainly would never prescribed surface level treatment to our landscaping. Yet, when it comes to our mental health we often are seeking to treat issues with skills, techniques, and easy fixes.  So, what exactly is the price we pay for this surface level approach?

  • We fail to go deeper into the therapeutic process and, therefore, focus on the breadth of solutions rather than the depth of the hurt. Superficial care is often more concerned with the outcome than the onset of issues. However, in Gestalt therapy, we recognize that instrumental change can only take place when personal insight is met with an awareness to present experiences.

For example, let’s say Mark comes into my office and shares that he is struggling with social anxiety. During our interactions, I notice that he breaks eye contact whenever I initiate a conversation. I begin to gently point this out to him in order to facilitate some awareness. Eventually, we explore his upbringing and the more volatile messages he heard in his home. As a result of his upbringing, he learned that to withdraw from social interactions—through means such as avoiding eye contact—was self-protective.

This past exploration deeply informed Mark’s present experience and will help produce more sustainable, long-term change. From the onset, I could have prescribed skills to address Mark’s anxiety or improve his level of intimacy. However, I believe that when we get to a person’s “truth” three things happen: 1) they develop a deeper layer of awareness to their hurt; 2) they encounter a greater sense of power over their experiences; and 3) they experience an increased level of investment in their change process. All of these things lead to a more sustainable and deeper process of healing.

  • We begin to view the person as a problem to be fixed. In our modern era, therapy has become less about the root and more about the results and this is detrimental to both how we view the healing process as well as how we view the person in general. In a conversation I had earlier this week about superficial care, I came to the realization that when we assume that people can be “fixed” through a series of tools, there is a level of dehumanization that takes place. To an individual who has already experienced a loss of power—whether through trauma, anxiety, or “normal” life transitions—this is unhelpful and can be detrimental to their sense of self.

In Gestalt therapy, we focus on the entire person being present to themselves as well as the therapeutic relationship and encounter. We expect and encourage the person to grow deeper in their awareness and rely on them to share their insight into their experience. I firmly believe that if therapy is not used as a platform that strengthens a person’s sense of empowerment rather than diminish it, we will not only impact their sense of self but also compromise their ability to encounter past, present and future experiences.

As someone who has experienced both the superficial care as well as the long term, sustainable care that promotes awareness, insight, and investment in the change process, I advocate for the latter. It is a privilege to spend my days sitting across from young men and women who have chosen to dive deeper than their surface level issues and invest in a longer but more sustainable therapeutic process. After all, don’t we owe it to ourselves to benefit from the same depth of healing that we offer our wood floors and our garden beds?

Are you already counting down the days until school is back in session?

In a recent NPR profile, author Katherine Reynolds Lewis discusses what she calls a “crisis of self-regulation,” in her new parenting book, The Good News About Bad Behavior. Click through to read Ms. Reynolds compelling case for chores, unstructured play, the importance of risks and relevant consequences.

Why Children Aren’t Behaving And, What You Can Do About It

 

The Friendship Workshop

Led by Holly Gilbert, LPC and Libby Steele, LPC this workshop promotes a culture of inclusiveness, kindness, acceptance and respect. It will be offered in both July and August in partnership with Piccadilly Play Café so your little ones are ready for the playground when school starts.  Stay tuned for more information on the Parenting Workshop with Matt Dunatchik, LPCC and Libby Steele, LPC.

Friendship Workshop

Please click here to register through Piccadilly Play Café

The importance of play therapy and playing with your children

Why am I playing games with your kid? (And why you should too)

Written by Child and Family Therapist Libby Steele, LPC 

If you’ve placed your child in therapy with us, you may have noticed or heard from your child that we “played games.” They may even be more specific, telling you about beating me in UNO, having good luck with Guess Who or losing a close game of Life.

The decision to put your child in therapy to begin with can be an emotionally charged situation, a logistically draining endeavor and an investment. So why would we be spending this precious time playing a round of Crazy 8’s or listening to music?

Here is what I know to be true about working with the developing brain: There is power in just letting the kid’s interest be their interest. In his book, “Killing Monsters,” Gerard Jones explains: when a child shows a genuine, or even passing interest in an activity there is real power in our “shared immersion” in the action.

When their hands are busy, when we are occupied in a friendly competition, more profound conversations easily emerge surrounding a host of topics. These may include:

  • How do I feel when I lose?
  • Do I sometimes experience rejection? Or Loss?
  • Do I ever get embarrassed and what do I do with that difficult emotion?
  • How do I experience anger and what does it look like to express that in a productive way? What about a damaging way?
  • Am I competitive? Do I like that about myself? Can I channel it appropriately? Does it ever get me into trouble?
  • Am I especially good at this game? Something else? How does this affect my self esteem or self confidence?

Adolescents, especially, may seek privacy and use provoking behaviors to create separation between them and their parents. Their job is to grow up and out into the world, AND they still WANT to know you’re hanging in there watching over them. Listen to their choice of music in the car, hear them out about a recent video game success, be openly curious about what it inspires in them. It is tempting to reject their choice of entertainment when it evokes a powerful response in us (especially if that response is anger), but there’s a reason teenagers gravitate towards music with a powerful “counter culture” message. It’s thrilling and validating to hear their fear, anger, jealousy and sadness parroted back to them in song. It makes them feel heard, and seen. Likewise, joining with your child over a familiar game is creating a venue for the safe exploration of harder topics and challenging emotions. When we are in this space of “shared immersion,” we have created a safe bubble around the interaction allowing the child or adolescent to be heard, seen and known in a way that facilitates growth.

Letting your teen struggle

Letting Your Teen Struggle

Written by Matt Dunatchik, LPCC

Raising teenagers can be both a spectacular experience and a horrendous experience.  Teens are difficult.  They can be moody, withdrawn, closed, and defiant.  They can also be charming, open, funny, and inspiring.  Having the patience to raise a teenager will help them thrive and grow so they can learn more deeply about themselves and the world around them.

The goal of raising kids and teens is to help them develop a strong identity so they can go out into the world and be wildly successful. Sometimes we, as parents, forget this when we’re in the midst of a teenage rampage and rebellion.

Here are some simple things to remember with your teens as they struggle to find themselves and push against you to learn more about the world.

  1. Their job is to push back against the parents/family as they figure out their own beliefs, identity, voice, and goals.
  2. Helping them means being open when they are struggling and NOT TAKING AWAY THEIR STRUGGLE.
  3. Let them come to you when they need help.  Don’t force yourself upon them with help; they will most likely shut down or get angry. Remember to stay open so to help your teen feel safe enough to share with you.
  4. Maintain age appropriate and healthy consequences. When they do make mistakes they can easily learn where the boundaries are.
  5. Let them know that you are here for them if the want help from you.  Offer solutions ONLY after asking if your teen wants them.

Remember, your teen’s goal is to learn how to self-identify and navigate a difficult world.  They need to struggle in order to learn and can do this best with parents’ support and boundaries.