Letting your teen struggle

Letting Your Teen Struggle

Written by Matt Dunatchik, LPCC

Raising teenagers can be both a spectacular experience and a horrendous experience.  Teens are difficult.  They can be moody, withdrawn, closed, and defiant.  They can also be charming, open, funny, and inspiring.  Having the patience to raise a teenager will help them thrive and grow so they can learn more deeply about themselves and the world around them.

The goal of raising kids and teens is to help them develop a strong identity so they can go out into the world and be wildly successful. Sometimes we, as parents, forget this when we’re in the midst of a teenage rampage and rebellion.

Here are some simple things to remember with your teens as they struggle to find themselves and push against you to learn more about the world.

  1. Their job is to push back against the parents/family as they figure out their own beliefs, identity, voice, and goals.
  2. Helping them means being open when they are struggling and NOT TAKING AWAY THEIR STRUGGLE.
  3. Let them come to you when they need help.  Don’t force yourself upon them with help; they will most likely shut down or get angry. Remember to stay open so to help your teen feel safe enough to share with you.
  4. Maintain age appropriate and healthy consequences. When they do make mistakes they can easily learn where the boundaries are.
  5. Let them know that you are here for them if the want help from you.  Offer solutions ONLY after asking if your teen wants them.

Remember, your teen’s goal is to learn how to self-identify and navigate a difficult world.  They need to struggle in order to learn and can do this best with parents’ support and boundaries.

All Change is Incremental…

…and sometimes change is large, noisy, aggressive, and intense.  This is something we have all dealt with lately in our Gestalt community here in Columbus.  Losing our leader, mentor, trainer, supervisor, and friend, Norman Shub, left a large gap in our hearts.  It also threw us into a tailspin of organizing for the future while honoring the past and the legacy Norman had created in 45 years of changing people’s lives.

As most know, we have moved offices due to being in a space that became too large for us to manage.  We are happily adjusting to our new office space and supporting each other through the ups and downs that come with major life changes.  The special ability to support each other was instilled in us from working with Norman and it has helped us become a close knit group of therapists that know how to love and support each other.

What we’ve learned from Norman and Gestalt Therapy has also helped us be the best therapists we can be.  We are here to serve the community and continue the legacy of Gestalt Therapy and Norman Shub, but in our own, authentic way. We are constantly learning and constantly growing. We are excited about the future and everything that is to come.

By Matt Dunatchik, MSEd., LPCC

Gestalt Therapy in Columbus Ohio

From Band Aids to Foundational Change: The Power of Gestalt Therapy

By Stacy Ingraham, MSEd., LPCC-S

I am often asked why I decided to invest in learning and practicing Gestalt therapy, after utilizing other popular counseling techniques for several years as a clinician. My quick answer – I didn’t want to put “band aids” on my client’s symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other struggles anymore. Instead, I wanted be an agent of real, lasting change by helping clients get to the root of what’s keeping them stuck. This is Gestalt therapy. Now after two years of postgraduate training workshops, hours of individual consultation, observation of Gestalt therapy sessions, pages of reading, and working through my own stuff with Gestalt therapists, I’m starting to get it (while also realizing I have a long way to go) and am leaving most of my old counseling habits behind. Here are a few things I’ve learned:

  1. Gestalt therapy really works. While I’ve experienced the power of Gestalt therapy personally, I have seen real, foundational change in clients. For example, a couple who repeatedly blamed each other for their marital problems now owns their part, does not blame (most of the time), and has a more intimate connection than ever before because they have learned to protect the closeness in their relationship (an important concept we reinforce in Gestalt couples therapy). Admittedly, I do utilize other counseling techniques when appropriate or out of habit, yet my foundation is the Gestalt approach, and it really works.
  2. Learning Gestalt therapy is hard work. Integrating the concepts of Gestalt therapy is sometimes like speaking a foreign language (i.e. encountering a client’s behavior, working an introject, pointing out defenses such as retroflection, teaching awareness, building steel rods). And learning Gestalt therapy requires on-going self-reflection and change (i.e. heightening my own awareness, strengthening my own steel rods, being vulnerable, letting go of perfectionism). To be a skilled Gestalt therapist, I need to surrender to the Gestalt way of living.
  3. The Gestalt approach can be used in a variety of professions. The Gestalt approach is utilized by conductors of orchestras, athletic coaches, organizational consultants, dentists, law enforcement officers, educators, and many more. Gestalt child therapists utilize play therapy techniques such as sand tray, clay work, therapeutic games, music, and drawing. Gestalt therapy is also effective when doing family and couples/marriage counseling, and of course, group therapy. Basically, any professional who cares about being a transformational leader, building successful relationships, and contributing in a real way to their organization will benefit from learning the Gestalt approach.
  4. Gestalt therapy is effective when practiced alone and combined with other theories. This idea is debatable, depending on who you talk with in the mental health world. In my experience, mindfulness based approaches, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, and Motivational Interviewing combined with a Gestalt theoretical foundation can be incredibly beneficial for clients based upon their presenting issues (trauma, addiction, anxiety, etc.).

There are many professional training and certification programs we have to choose from (and I’ve explored many). Deciding which ones best align with our values, goals, budget, schedule, and personality is key. Learning Gestalt therapy has been life changing for my clients and me. And while the struggle to learn and live Gestalt is real, it helps to remember that “all change is incremental.” Thank you, Norman Shub.

How often do you cross the line between caring and taking too much responsibility?

Caring and Taking Responsibility: How Often Do You Cross the Line?

By Stacy Ingraham, MSEd., LPCC-S

Do you have an innate desire to help others be happy and fix their pain? Are you a nurturer and enjoy taking care of others? When you see a loved one struggling, do you work harder than they do to find a solution? If you answered yes to any of the above, you may have a tendency to cross the line between caring and taking responsibility.

Intellectually, most of us know that taking away someone’s struggle is not only impossible, it’s not what they want or need. We all need to struggle if we want to grow. If you’re unsure whether you tend to cross the line, the following breakdown between caring and taking responsibility may help.

Caring for another involves the following:

  1. Listening with genuine care, respect, and an attempt to try to understand what a person is experiencing. If you want to learn how to be a better listener, check out the article, “What Great Listeners Actually Do” by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman.
  2. Offering assistance while setting limits to how much you’re able and willing to do.
  3. Asking someone if they want advice or feedback before giving it.
  4. Remembering that you are separate from the other person. Their feelings and behaviors may not have anything to do with you.

Crossing the line into taking responsibility involves the following:

  1. Helping by completing a task that takes away a person’s opportunity to struggle and therefore, grow. For instance, doing your son’s homework assignment because solving math problems is difficult and gives him anxiety.
  2. Planning or organizing someone else’s life in an attempt to make a day or an event go as smoothly as possible for others. This can involve questioning someone persistently, or asking “are you sure?” multiple times when he/she has stated their decision.
  3. Taking on another person’s emotional pain by taking the fault when it has nothing to do with you. Or, trying to make someone feel better by talking them out of their pain and then feeling irritated when they distance themselves or do not feel better.

Crossing this line over and over again becomes painful, exhausting, and feeds anxiety and depression. It can lead to loneliness, resentment, and frustration in relationships. A powerful gestalt intervention involves helping individuals enhance their awareness. Therefore, if you tend to cross the line from caring into taking responsibility and want to change, practice noticing each and every time you approach the line.

  1. If you feel resentful toward others when they dismiss your advice or help, you may be crossing the line.
  2. Perhaps you start worrying excessively about others and spiral into “what ifs.” You may say to yourself, “If I don’t do his homework, he’s going to fall behind, get teased, fail math, not get into college….”
  3. Perfectionists can cross the line in an effort to ensure that everyone is happy, having fun, and getting along. Along the same lines, if you need people to like you, notice when you start trying to figure out how you can help make things easier for them.

As your awareness increases, you can decide how to care and set limits so you avoid crossing the line. Remember, we can care deeply about others and help them without taking away their pain, fixing their problems, trying to make their life perfect, and enabling their troubling behaviors.

Thank you to Norman Shub for identifying this important theme.