Letting Your Teen Struggle

Written by Matt Dunatchik, LPCC

Raising teenagers can be both a spectacular experience and a horrendous experience.  Teens are difficult.  They can be moody, withdrawn, closed, and defiant.  They can also be charming, open, funny, and inspiring.  Having the patience to raise a teenager will help them thrive and grow so they can learn more deeply about themselves and the world around them.

The goal of raising kids and teens is to help them develop a strong identity so they can go out into the world and be wildly successful. Sometimes we, as parents, forget this when we’re in the midst of a teenage rampage and rebellion.

Here are some simple things to remember with your teens as they struggle to find themselves and push against you to learn more about the world.

1. Their job is to push back against the parents/family as they figure out their own beliefs, identity, voice, and goals.
2. Helping them means being open when they are struggling and NOT TAKING AWAY THEIR STRUGGLE.
3. Let them come to you when they need help.  Don’t force yourself upon them with help; they will most likely shut down or get angry. Remember to stay open so to help your teen feel safe enough to share with you.
4. Maintain age appropriate and healthy consequences. When they do make mistakes they can easily learn where the boundaries are.
5. Let them know that you are here for them if the want help from you.  Offer solutions ONLY after asking if your teen wants them.

Remember, your teen’s goal is to learn how to self-identify and navigate a difficult world.  They need to struggle in order to learn and can do this best with parents’ support and boundaries.